did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
