I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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