I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
