You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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