I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
