Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
