Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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