How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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