I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
