Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
