If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
