The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
