'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
