As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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