Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
