you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
