I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
