When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
