walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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