I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize