Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
