I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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