Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
