Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
wat bout pragnant strippers??
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
