I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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