i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can't turn off my feet"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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