just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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