you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize