I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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