I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
