He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
