He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Alive.
So much puke
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
