fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
