I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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