i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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