Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
