Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
