this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
