it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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