I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
