You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
