you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
