all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
