What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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