3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
