i can't believe i had my finger in that
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
