I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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