the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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