i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
