it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
