glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
zippers are such a cool invention
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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