update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize