my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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