got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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