I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
