u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
