highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize