Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
