i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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