And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
