just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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