I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
