Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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